No occasion for writing this time.  No obvious revelations.  Just the gratitude of being alive and breathing clean air and feeling the love of God.  I am relearning the art of solitude and it has been amazing.  I say relearning, but I think I may be learning it for the first time.  It's been really interesting and I've been shocked (although I shouldn't be) by the quick intimacy that is forming with my Lord that I have lacked for too long.

I used to feel Him close and frequently, but lately I know that I've been the one that's pulled away.  It's not what I wanted, it just happened.  But, through His grace and some hard lessons, I'm beginning to feel that tranquility and surety that He provides.  I missed so badly being in love with Him and now am ashamed once again to be crawling back.  He's teaching me humility in a big way, and in a way worse than I've ever needed it before.

I want my life to be a reflection of Him, and that means letting me go.  All of me. 

God, teach me to die even more than ever to You.  Help me to understand those around me.  Give me your spirit and discernment so that I can change someone for your sovereign will.  Help me to understand that sovereignty when I become selfish, and humble me when I am unwilling to see past my ego.

Ahhh..(sigh of relief)

Finally, fall is here.  It's about darn time.  I don't know when it was "officially" supposed to be here, but it's definitively here.  I walked outside in a long sleeve shirt this morning and felt that crisp cool air and for the first time in a while wished I'd worn an undershirt.  The air just felt like a ripe apple.  You know what I mean?  It's just fall... ahh....

I wish that everything in life was that cut and dry for me (it is pretty sweet, being able to unofficially declare the change in seasons), but unfortunately it's not.  Well, maybe not even unfortunately.  I've recently discovered that it is a lot of fun just going for it (not that this is by any means a new revelation, but always entertaining).  God has used a series of interesting situations to really make me evaluate myself and it has been great.  It's funny what He uses.  Funny and refreshing. 

I think that when I finally get some sleep, hopefully tonight, I will be able to objectively examine my current self and chuckle forcefully, at least I sure hope so (and I hope someone gets to witness this ridiculous event, it'd be a shame to keep that one for just myself).  Life is good, God is good.  I have been extremely blessed.  So many times I realize this right when it's too late.  I wish that I could feel the cool breeze on my skin once a day and just forget about what's around me and think about how small I am and how big He really is.  This season helps me do that. 

Just today, I walked out and just literally was forced to stop and hold my arms out.  To feel...  That sensation is not even euphoric, it's so much stronger.  It's just a feeling of smallness, of how minute and insignificant I really am, of how much joy I miss out on because I'm too busy running in circles, chasing my tail.  I think we do that way too much and just end up breathing air from our own butts.  Unfortunate, and not very refreshing.  If we'd start chasing that One in front of us and above us, we'd start feeling that cool, fresh air and start to feel...

Restless

Uneasy and restless.  Not exactly my favorite feeling in the world, but oh well.  God has given me the opportunity to be restless and uneasy.  I might not like it, but this feeling is strong enough to prompt a change that I probably need.  I'm not exactly sure what it is yet, but I am all too aware that something is changing.  It's kind of like standing in a ball pit (like the ones you jumped in when you were little), and feeling the floor move and flop around because someone was coming underneath those lovely plastic skittles to knock you on your butt.  You couldn't see them, but you sure knew it was coming. 

So, at least I'm prepared.  I feel that all is not well with my soul, but I think that is about to change.  I've been praying for it to change (although half-heartedly), and it seems like God never fails to come through with a resounding boom when we ask to be molded.  I think I've been trying to run my life again.  Never a good idea. I'm still sick of "making it" through life, yet somehow I keep coming back for more. 

I just talked to a friend yesterday about the weather, and what he said caught me off guard.  It's been Sahara-like for a while now (pretty darn unusual for Cedarville), but it finally rained a little bit. You see, I'm used to hearing people complain and gripe about the rain nonstop.  Same place, same age, only the time has changed. What he said was that the rain was refreshing. Not a hassle, or depressing, or stupid, or dumb, or annoying.  It was "refreshing."  I think that I've reached that point in my life.  I'm ready to be done with the desert.  Bring on the rain. I might not like getting soaked, but I'm ready to be refreshed.

This Moment

Well, typically, this entry would be another little diatribe on self-pity and discovery.  But I don't think that is necessary right now.  All that I need to do is recognize the moment.  The moment now entails: a little bit of a rotting wood smell, the good kind like deep in the woods; extremely light sprinkles of rain that I can only feel on the back of my hands, but water that our area needs badly; droopy eyelids, my right a little more than my left; an inexplicable wearing of pajama pants outdoors; extremely muggy air and non-oppressive heat; and a somewhat burdened mind.

What is kind of amusing to me is that I am actually sitting down and writing this at all.  I'm working more than I am used to.  I'm communicating less that I am used to.  I am complaining internally way more than I should.  I am sighing more than I should, and somehow I am saying to myself "It's all okay, you just have to make it." Let me let you in on a little secret.  My little inward thought is A LOAD OF BULL.  I should no more accept and submit to my temporary subpar circumstances than I should just lay down and die.  Just because I'm going through another little dry spell (hence me writing), does not mean that my outlook on life, love, and happiness should change.

I can choose to let these circumstances ground me and steal my life which is worth living 100% or I can actually live free.  God gave us a beautiful freedom that allows us to be in the midst of a storm, maybe even under a flood, but still see the beauty in life.  I have been ignoring it, but no more.  This summer is not destined to be a piece of my past not worth remembering.  Right now, in this moment it is a piece of my future worth taking.

The End of All Things

School will end... one way or another, I will finish it.  Right now, I feel like it can't get here close enough, if I could just kind of go into a trance for a weekend and wake up to find all of my work done, I think I would do it.  Weak.  That's what that is.  I should be thankful for this gorgeous opportunity to stress out over things that I know will get done.  That's just the way I am.  Shame on me.

I know that things will be okay.  I say it so much that it's losing its taste, like when you eat too much candy.  But the reality is that the candy is still oh so good.  Things really will be okay.  The end of the academic year will come, circumstances will draw to a close, and I will get sunburnt.  How we handle ourselves in the process is the only variable.  We already know the answer to the equation.  Just like stupid algebra, we overcomplicate things.  If we know the equation is

beginning+getting your butt in gear=the end

why don't we just do our part and get our butt in gear.  I sit here on my stressed out rear-end and hope that tomorrow somehow the work will be gone, but it won't. 

So, it looks like if I want the desired result, I'd better just suck it up and do it.  That makes me happy, a solid answer. It's never fun to have to buckle down, but you know, life doesn't have to be fun to be good..  Oh well, the end of all things is breathing down my neck.  Thank goodness.  Life is good.  The end is near.  It's all going to be okay.  Relax.